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10 Reasons Why You Should Never, Ever Move To Greensboro

Anyone considering putting down roots in Greensboro, N.C. should think again. Here’s a list to show you exactly why Greensboro is genuinely the worst:

1. Traffic.

How can Greensboro be a “large metropolitan area” without traffic? It can’t be a “real” city if it doesn’t take 30 minutes to drive ten miles.

2. Nobody here is known for anything.

There needs to be more talent coming out of Greensboro. Unless you count Fantasia Barrino, Chris Daughtry, John Isner, Lou Hudson, Wes Ferrell, Ken Jeong, Keenan Allen, Nicholas Sparks, and Rhiannon Giddens.

3. Kids here have nothing to do.

Did you really expect a town like Greensboro to have playgrounds, water parks, and a Children’s Museum? 72 public playgrounds doesn’t seem like enough. There’s only one Children’s Museum, unless you include the Greensboro Science Center.

4. Everyone is a golf snob.

Greensboro has 36 golf courses within a 20-mile radius, eleven within city limits, which is excessive by all standards.

5. The town has a drinking problem.

Golf is just an excuse to drink. How do I know? Because there’s a brewery for every golf course in Greensboro. Don’t get me started on the distillery, cocktail spots, wine bars, and tasting rooms.

6. There are too many tournaments.

Greensboro has hosted the men’s ACC basketball tournament more than any other city, and its Wyndham Championship is the oldest on the PGA tour. The list of tournaments held in Greensboro is overwhelming, but if you insist on being overwhelmed, here’s a list on the Visit Greensboro website.

7. The city disfavors PC and Android users.

Friendly Shopping Center has an Apple Store—big whoop. What about a Dell store or a Samsung store? They make Windows and Android users go to Best Buy, where they also sell and repair overpriced Apple products.

8. The city tries too hard to be outdoorsy.

Greensboro has more than 45 trails covering 144 miles. They could’ve stopped at 20—this isn’t the Blue Ridge Mountains.

9. The housing market is hot and isn’t helping global warming.

It’s hot enough as it is in Greensboro. With housing costs lower than most other major metros in the U.S. and other expenses meeting the national average, we have about eight people moving here daily.

10. The people can’t spell.

Either they can’t spell ‘Greensboro,’ or this sign is in the wrong town. Also, for a city named after Revolutionary War General Nathaniel Greene, shouldn’t it be ‘Greeneboro?’

Hopefully, you’ve caught on that this article is a satire by this point.

Picture of Jeff Valentino
Jeff Valentino

Hi, it’s Jeff Valentino. In 2019 my 2 sons and I packed up and moved to Winston Salem from the suburbs of Chicago. We didn’t know one person here. I wished there was a resource for people like me who are considering a similar move, so I decided to make one!

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